True Love or Just Confused: The Quest for Sexual Identity

It seemed not so long ago that I watched “True Love or Just Confused,” one of the segments from the long-running Club Friday Series (season 8). This remains to this date, one of my top ten BL series as it has drama, romance, angst, betrayal, without a whole lot of fluff but with a whole lot of dough. My initial annoyance towards Todd, gave way to tolerance; what kept me at the edge of my seat was Meng’s character and his emotional journey.

Meng’s doubts regarding his sexual identity did not start until Todd reappeared in his life after a long hiatus. Todd and Meng reunited at a time when Meng was just starting his relationship with Nuch, who turned out to be a selfish and manipulative girlfriend. Todd’s carefree attitude is a stark contrast to Nuch’s controlling nature. Despite wanting to be with his girlfriend, Meng found that being with Todd was a relief from stress of everyday life and a break from Nuch.

This sort of escapism provided Meng with reasons to question his sexual preference. Was his feelings towards Todd real or imaginary? Whether it was true love, or just lust or instantaneous attraction? This self cross-examination is not limited to hetero-romances, but exists in same-sex relationships as well. A person may mistake admiration for the same gender as more than what it is. It could be merely a passing fancy, a harmless crush, and then panic sets in, making him wonder: “Why am I feeling things that I know I shouldn’t feel?”

But here lies the rub: in what laws of the universe that state that you should not have feelings for those that possess the same body parts as you do? Unless you are the religious type, most if not all laws are man-made. If same-sex feelings are such an abomination, then the universe would already have struck down anybody, perhaps with a thunderbolt, those who harbour such “unnatural” thoughts. (And by “unnatural,” I mean those that go against nature.). But if you are still alive, then you should take inventory of what is important to you.

In “True Love or Just Confused,” Meng had to determine what is important to him: his more-than-friendship with Todd or his suffocating relationship with Nuch. Would he need to hang onto a thread of normalcy: the guy gets in on with the girl, have a house with a white picket fence, a baby and all that good stuff? Or does he want to throw caution to the wind and explore his burgeoning fondness for Todd?

Like the protagonists in some BL dramas, Meng started off with a girlfriend, had a few romps with a male partner, then mulled on his dilemma. Will Meng follow the footsteps of Knock in “Together with Me” or Zi Yan in “Like Love” and ditch their girlfriends in favour of their male partners? Or would Meng decide to toe the line and dump his male lover for his wife like Oat did in “Present Perfect”?

We do not know what transpires in the end, as Meng struggled with his conflicting emotions. If Meng was knowingly gay or straight to begin with, this would be a totally different drama. It seems that numerous BL characters undergo the same process of calling their gender identity or sexual preference into question. Can a straight person really become gay or vice versa? Or are there already seeds of homosexuality planted within certain people, and all that it takes for these seeds to grow is just a matter of time or meeting the right person?

Whether by choice or innate characteristic, the person has to discover for himself  how his feelings came to be and how to resolve them. Being unsure of one’s sexual identity is not a crime in itself, but Meng should clarify to both Todd and Nuch where his feelings lie as to avoid causing pain to either party. It is inevitable that one of them would be hurt by his decision, but Meng’s dilly-dallying between a rock and a hard place is a far worse option for an already difficult problem. It is better off not to string them along while Meng is in the midst of trying to identify himself: of what he wanted to be and who he wanted to be with. Having his cake and eating it too is a mere impossibility. Unless all parties agree to an open-relationship, Meng should ultimately make a decision, or his hesitation will only end up hurting not only those people he love, but also himself.